An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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