Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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