Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
