I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
