John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
