I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
