I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
