gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
