Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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