I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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