my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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