I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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