i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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