i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
