look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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