Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
