You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
