That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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