First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
