gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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