Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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