Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
