i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
