I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
