dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
