True but thats because hes a fetus.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
