so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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