I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
