Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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