Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
