HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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