Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
