I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
