Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
