He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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