dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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