just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Randomize
