Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
