I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
