Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
