There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
