after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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