I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
