He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
