My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
