I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
