Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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