Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
