Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's always time for handjobs
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
