The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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