filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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