He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
