i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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