here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
