see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
