Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
