Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
