yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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